How to cope in the festive season as a carer when your loved one has an eating disorder

10:12 – 24 December 2012

Do you care for someone with an eating disorder?

Anxious about the festive season?

The festive season can be stressful for anyone with the responsibility of a family. For a carer of someone with an eating disorder, or someone currently receiving eating disorder treatment, it can be simply filled with dread and fear.

If you are a carer, it may feel like everyone else seems to be looking forward to the cooking and eating of elaborate meals… whereas you find yourself just wishing that the festive season was over before it has even begun.


The truth is that the festive season does not have to be filled with worry and anxiety. With a little careful planning and some agreed expectations from all, you can celebrate and enjoy being with your family. Creating a plan and thinking ahead will allow your child to feel safe in the knowledge that you are in control of the day, and that you have considered some of the potential difficulties for both them, and you.

Here is some advice from our eating disorder specialists to help you plan for and cope with the challenges that may lay ahead during the holidays.

Planning

It’s a good idea to plan the running order of the day. Then you can identify potentially stressful moments, and have a strategy in place should any difficulties arise. A potentially problematic time might be after the main meal of the day- ensure you have a plan in place on how to support your loved one. This could mean that you, or someone they trust, can be with them in this difficult time. If you are guests in another person’s house, ensure there will be private space or room.

It is unrealistic to plan every minute of the day and neither should you- however identifying potentially difficult areas will help you all in the long run.

The kitchen

It is important to agree on what level of input and access your child will have to the kitchen. The kitchen on Christmas Day can be a very stressful place for the cook let alone someone suffering from an eating disorder. If your child does enter the kitchen make sure firm ground rules are in place. For example, they will not be allowed to be involved with food preparation.

Meal times

If possible all meals should have a plan, including alcohol and/or fluids if these are a problem. If your child is under the care of a professional, then ideally the diet plan should be agreed with them. Make sure you are co-ordinating meal times, you are in control of the kitchen area, and that everyone understands the ground rules of the day. Again, ensure you are prepared for the potential challenges when helping you loved one eat, including post-meal support.

Guests

If you are having guests join you in the festive season, remember that they may have not seen your child for a while. Talk the day through with your guests giving them pointers on what not to say and subjects that are best to be avoided. In particular, ask guests not to comment on your loved ones appearance or weight. Even well-meaning comments like, “You look well” – might be interpreted negatively, and could trigger anxious thoughts.

In addition, think about how the meal table will be set out. If you are at someone else’s house, request that you sit together. You may also need to consider taking familiar cutlery and crockery, and try to plan for anything that will make eating at somebody else’s table easier.

Trigger and signals

Make sure you know the triggers and signals when your child is struggling. Watch for familiar signs or have an agreed key word or phrase so your child can signal that they need some extra support. Ensure you will have some private space that you and your child may need to go to in stressful moments.

Remember siblings and other loved ones

During someone’s illness the rest of the family can often take a back seat. Remember that this season is about family so ensure that everyone is considered when planning the day. This will take some of the emphasis off your loved ones illness, and allow you to spend some time with other members of your family.

Remember your own needs

Caring for someone with an eating disorder can be extremely upsetting and tiring. Looking after yourself is the best way to look after your child. If you are relaxed, rested and feeling in control then this will promote your child feeling safe. Make sure you have someone to talk to if you are feeling stressed, or even better share the responsibility of the plan with other members of the family so you are not the sole carer for the day.

Be kind to yourself

If everything does not go to plan- do not blame yourself. You cannot account for every eventuality so if things go wrong or not to plan, then take a deep breath and try and to get back on track. Remember that you are doing your best, and caring for someone with a mental illness can be extremely difficult and trying.

Take a deep breath and count to 10

Christmas can be stressful for families, with or without an eating disorder. When tensions rise we can react too quickly to something or someone and very rapidly go on to regret it. In these circumstances – everyone will benefit from some breathing space. If possible, form a pact with your child where if things get challenging and tensions rise both of you will take a deep breath, count to 10 (or a higher number if necessary!) and move forward together.

 

Remember Beat Helplines are open throughout Christmas for help and support. 

Help for adults
Helpline: 0845 634 1414
Email: help@b-eat.co.uk

Help for young people
Youthline: 0845 634 7650
Text: 07786 201820

Email: fyp@b-eat.co.uk

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