“Good morning and welcome to the Carer Swap Shop. The aim of the shop is to help patients select a carer of their choice.

We need to sort out a few details first before the selection process can take place. This should only take a few minutes and then we can pass on to the actual selection.

Now, the carer you have brought with you, why do you want to change him?

I see, reaching retirement age and starting to slow down and you really think it’s time for a change. Well, I must admit, he does look a bit tired and worn out. Creaking joints, reluctant to move out of favourite chair and started to read the Daily Mail.

These next questions are mainly tick boxes:-

1)   In bed at night does he:-
a)   Snore loudly
b)   Move constantly
c)   Shout in his sleep
d)   Mumble a lot
e)    Any other activity

I think we had better put that under any other activity. Is wellingtons spelled with one l or 2?

2)   Kitchen activities. In the kitchen is he:-
a)   Innovative and coming up with new ideas
b)   Experimental with ordinary foods such as adding spices or herbs
c)   Produces appetising looking food
d)   Under cooks everything
e)   Burns everything to a cinder and spends hours scraping out pans and dishes
f)   Is only able to use frying pan
g)   Has no idea what pans and kitchen utensils are for. i.e uses potato masher as fly squasher in summer
              and uses handle of wooden spoon as back scratcher.
h)   Buys 14 ready meals a week and has frequent user pass for all local take aways.

Hmmm. Not quite sure where scraping dried burnt rice off the splashback comes in that comes. We will put it under e for the time being.

3)   Domestic duties. How long is it since he:-
a)   Hoovered
b)   Washed windows
c)   Made the bed
d)   Cleaned the bathroom
e)   Emptied the kitchen waste bin
f)   Changed the curtains

Do you mean he cannot tell the difference between curtains and bedclothes and you have been sleeping under the front room curtains while the duvet cover is hanging up at the windows?
Is the hoover mended now since he used it to remove the leaves out of the garden in autumn and are you able to see out of any of the windows at all?

I have heard enough thanks.  I will take you through to the Choosing Area.

As you can see, we have all types of carer on display.

We are really proud of this new model – the Rambo carer. He charges through the house, kicking doors down, diving through plate glass windows, anointing himself with baby oil and shouting, “No Problemo” when he encounters any difficulties at all. His caring abilities are still being assessed and we are trying to stop him hunting for food and cooking it over an open fire in the back garden. You would also need a good supply of plasters and bandages due to his penchant for washing with Holly leaves and eating raw nettles.

This model is the James Bond caring. A little more caring than the Rambo model and he does have a habit of wearing dinner suits and bow ties. You are warned to hide the keys to the Motability vehicle though as he has wrecked 14 of them in the last 6 months. You may also find that you have to keep female members of the family out of the way as he is well known for his inability to keep certain parts of his anatomy to himself. Don’t worry, we will take the gun off him before he starts should you choose him.

Now we have the Gordon Ramsay carer. This one will ensure that you have an extraordinary diet, superbly cooked and presented. Earplugs will be supplied as the choicest language is used as well as the choicest ingredients.

This model is more or less at the end of the line. It is the John Paul Sartre carer. He sits about reading and thinking all day instead of doing anything practical. He has one redeeming feature. He can talk the hind legs of callers at the front door and leaves them bemused and bewildered.

None of these will suit? I am sorry.
 Perhaps you would like to call next week when the summer stock comes in. We are expecting the Lord Byron carer as we have cured him from running off abroad and the Van Gogh carer, with or without prosthetic ear.
You could have opted for the Florence Nightingale version of carer but she has been fraternising with the James Bond model and has become the Lady with the Lump”.

Written by a carer.