Case Study: Maureen Oakes

For Maureen, Chill 4 Us was a light at the end of a particularly dark tunnel.

She spent 16 years as the primary carer for her daughter Louize, who sadly died last year from progressive multiple sclerosis aged just 36, and for her diabetic mother, who died in 2010. In 2011, her husband of 40 years, Derek, was diagnosed with lung cancer and had to undergo intensive treatment.

Maureen Oakes at home at Hethersett, with Chill 4 Us carers website on her laptop, her lifeline as she cared for her mother, and then her daughter, Louize for 11 years. Picture: Denise Bradley

Throughout, the Chill 4 Us online forum provided Maureen with a place to visit where everyone understood what she was going through, a place to unwind and relax and a place to talk to people who were going through exactly the same trials and tribulations.

“I had three terrible Christmases in a row – in 2010 my Mum died two days before Christmas, in 2011 my husband was in hospital recovering from surgery and in 2012 Louize was in hospital and we nearly lost her on Christmas Day,” she said.

“I lost my Mum and my daughter within two years and in between my husband was ill. It was absolute hell. I don’t know how I came through it, but I do know that Chill 4 Us was part of what helped me – it’s a little bit of escapism from the world.”

Maureen is still involved with Chill 4 Us, helping Wendy with the website, and is slowly beginning to rebuild her life. Ironically, before she left work to care for her daughter, she was a carer for Social Services, now, for the first time, she is looking forward and planning a life that doesn’t revolve around care.

“People used to say things to me like ‘do you go out much in the winter?’ or ‘do you like eating out?’ or ‘do you enjoy going on holiday?’ and I’d say ‘I don’t know’, because I never had the time to do anything other than be a carer. Once that role is taken away from you, you have to find a new purpose,” she said.

“I think I would have gone crazy without Chill 4 Us – I needed it to take me away from my own reality. Even if it was hearing about someone else’s problems, they were just that – someone else’s problems. Now that I’m not in an active caring role, I hope I can help other people going through the same thing.

“And I have my first holiday since 2003 booked – a fortnight in the Isle of Wight with Derek for our Ruby Wedding anniversary. I didn’t feel I could do anything last year, but now I am trying to make a new life. These days, when I’m frustrated I take it out on the garden!”

Case study: Barry Williams

When June and Barry Williams promised to love each other in sickness and health at their Pottergate wedding in 1955, they meant every word.

For seven years, Barry cared for June at home as she battled dementia, watching the wife he loved disappear before his eyes, her personality robbed by the cruellest of diseases.

June then went into residential care close to the couple’s home – Barry visited every day for three years until her death, four years ago.

For Barry, Chill 4 Us was the place he could go after he’d put his wife to bed, a place where he could talk to people who understood what it feels like to be a carer, a place to make friends and a place to find help and advice.

“I cared for June at home and it was a real struggle at times. It gradually got worse and worse and worse and in the end I was having to do absolutely everything for June, bathing her, feeding her, taking her to the toilet, dressing her, everything,” he said.

“Dementia is a terrible, terrible disease. It takes away the person you love and it’s horrible to watch.

“I did have help from my family – my sister had a care home in Holt and would come to look after June on Saturdays which was the only time I could get out of the house to do jobs and the shopping. I had no time to myself, to speak of, but I did manage to go on the Chill 4 Us forum every evening after I’d put my wife to bed.

“It was an escape for me. I made friends on the forum who I later met and talked to people all over the country. After my wife went into the care home, I would still go online every night and it was nice for me to help people in a similar situation.

“Even now, I still go on the forum and I still attend Chill 4 Us meetings and see Wendy. I also meet up with a chap I met online who comes from Northampton and who I got chatting to. I have three grown-up sons who were fantastic and helped me, but sometimes I did feel very alone. Chill 4 Us was there for me when I needed it.”