Older men acting as carers for their partners or family find themselves like fish out of water. They are sometimes ignored by GPs, isolated and unwilling to ask for help, research shows.

This may not be that unexpected, given conventional ideas of men and male roles. But it is an important finding to explore, because it’s at the centre of a larger issue of who will be taking on caring roles as UK society ages, combined with the impact on health services if fewer people either want to take on the job or feel capable of doing it.

Unpaid work by men and women willing to act as carers within their family – around 6 million in England and Wales, according to 2013 figures from the Office for National Statistics (ONS) – is estimated to save the UK economy £119bn a year. And with our ageing population, demand for this kind of informal care is expected to more than double over the next 30 years.

Although overall more women are informal carers, more men than might be expected are caring for their loved ones. Currently ONS figures estimate that 15% of men over 65 are acting as carers, compared to 13% of women in the same age group. There are also more men between the ages of 50-65 than women aged 25-49 performing caring roles.

Our research has looked at the experiences and attitudes of older men as carers – talking to a range of older men as well as those professionals who work with them. The aim was to understand better the extent and nature of care-giving undertaken by older men, the support they require and how they cope with its demands.

Taking on a caring role can have a real impact on older men’s sense of themselves, who they are and what they do. They often don’t like the carer label and find the everyday acts of caring a challenge to their gender identity.

The results can be very tangible in terms of an impact on physical health and psychologically, a sense of loss in terms of planning for the future, enjoying experiences together, “normal” conversations, or dealing with family worries or traumas.

Women experience some of the same issues, of course, but the major difference is in context, and how older men manage to cope. For example, the research highlighted how family support wasn’t necessarily something that older male carers could rely on. While a number reported contact with family members at a distance, there were comments suggesting that, while it was appreciated, family could not give anything other than arm’s length emotional support, sometimes only by email.

Friends were described as well meaning but too far away to be of practical support. Similarly, neighbours might keep a watchful eye but, as one older male carer said, he could only call on them in a real emergency. One carer talked about the myth of support from family and friends.

While there is much in common between the support needs of both older men and older women, there are also subtle differences that often go unrecognised by practitioners.

In both assessment and provision of services, practitioners need to think much more about gender and what kinds of support are most appropriate. In particular they need to consider how to address the tendency of older men to try to deal with difficult situations without asking for help and to avoid emotionally sensitive conversations.

Most carer support groups tend to be female dominated and don’t meet the needs of older male carers, who say they would be more likely to engage with male-only groups, and those that are more focused on the practical issues of caring, such as cooking and undertaking home adaptations. They are less likely to fit into the current “coffee and a chat” model. Men are more likely to talk shoulder to shoulder while women talk face to face.

Older men will struggle on without seeking support until crisis point is reached (and often the point where personal care can no longer be delivered). Crisis is expensive, and so practitioners – including both GPs and care providers – need to be sensitive but persistent in offering help before a crisis point.

Practitioners in health and social care need to provide more gender appropriate support to address the emotional aspects of caring, for example through peer mentoring schemes, online support groups designed for older men, and counselling support designed and targeted specifically at older male carers.

For the moment, the fit between older men and caring roles can be uncomfortable and is unlikely to get better, and all that can mean for the long term is more crises and more pressure on professional services, unless gender is put more firmly on the caring agenda.

Professor Christine Milligan is the director of the Centre for Ageing Research, Faculty of Health and Medicine, Lancaster University

http://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/feb/13/men-over-65-carers