Carers Olympics

Carers Olympics.

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome to the Carers Olympics Sessions for today.

The first visit to the games was early this morning and we are running this through again to bring you up to date.

1.   The Gettingupathon.

We join the discipline just before the alarm clock sounds and all the contestants are still in bed, asleep.
Just a moment , O dear, the contestant at No 28, has her eyes opens and the Judges have disqualified her. The rules clearly state the “all contestants must be sound asleep and, in order to qualify for Gold, must also be dreaming of a life without care and responsibility”.

The alarm clocks are about to ring, Ready, Set, Go!!!!!

First out of bed is the American carer, followed by Chinese and Australian carers. The Team GB carer has had to retrace steps because the duvet was not thrown back correctly. Still, they may be able to make ground in the 20 steps race to the bathroom.

As expected. The Russians have tripped over the empty Vodka bottles lying at the bed side and are out of contention.

The Lithunian has failed to qualify after turning over in bed, pulling the duvet round and muttering something like, “Go away”, in Lithuanian

At the end of the first stage of the Gettingupathon. The Americans are still leading but Team GB have gained second place.

The next stage is toiletting and washing and we catch that later.

Now over to the Individual Freestyle Wash Cycle Event.

The rules of this event are fairly simple. The contestants must gather 8 kg of assorted laundry, hold it under one arm, run down 14 stairs, open the washer door with the free hand, separate the coloureds from the whites, put the washing in the washer, select the correct amount of washing detergent, select the correct wash cycle and switch on.
Points are deducted for dropping any washing, including socks, anywhere along the journey from the laundry basket to the washer. Points are also deducted for putting woollies in with polyester.
Timings are particularly important and the contestant can only win Gold by answering a telephone which will ring 0.32 seconds before the contestant reaches the washer door.

And they’re off. Lane 2 has collected the washing and has started the descent, with Lane 4 in close pursuit. Lane 8 has stood on a dangly bra strap, pulled hard and it has sprung up and knocked him over.
Lane 1 is in the lead now. He has reached the washer but is having to read the clothes labels to ensure that he gets the right fabrics.

And the telephones are ringing.

Lane 7 has failed due to dropping the washing to answer the phone. Lane 6 has answered the phone, got the washing in but is having to consult the handbook to find out the correct cycle.

Lane 5 has achieved a personal best and has won the Gold medal.

2.   Gettingupathon discipline 2

All contestants are now in the bathroom and carrying out the next stage in the games.

For Ladies this comprises of a quick swill and the application of cosmetics. The stage rules also demand that the Ladies Team contestants must also gaze into the bathroom mirror for at least 10 minutes looking for crows feet, laugh lines, furrowed brows and signs of skin blemishes or ageing of any sort. Whilst doing this they must repeat 10 times, “OMG, O dear. Look at the state of me. Another white hair. I must be getting old.”

The judges have decided that the Hungarian contestant has not applied enough make up and the physiotherapist has been sent into the bathroom of the Welsh contestant as she coughed while applying eye make up and poked herself in the eye with the eyelash brush.

Unfortunately the Italian contestant slipped off the bathroom scales in horror when she saw her weight and has withdrawn from the contest in tears.

In the mens contest, 3 of the participants have been disqualified for using heated bathroom mirrors which stop condensation whilst shaving and one has been taken to hospital after nicking himself 4 times with the safety razor.

The cries from the male bathrooms, known as the Venus Williams Effect, are caused by the application on raw faces of very powerful aftershave. Each yell is measured in decibels and the one with the loudest shout is automatically disqualified.

Over now to the bedroom where the Weightlifting Competition is under way.

Each contestant has 5 minutes to get the patient out of bed and stood on their feet or transferred to a wheelchair. There are several approved methods of carrying this out from the simple Jerk and Lift to the more sophisticated Slide and Heave. Points are awarded in accordance with the difficulty involved with the chosen method.

The Weightlifting is divided into two disciplines, Individual or Double Weightlifting. The Judges wave a white flag when both feet are on the floor or on the wheelchair footrests.

The Gold medal has already been won by the Russian Lady Weightlifter and the Chinese team were disqualified in the preliminary rounds due to deliberately using a very thin patient in order to ensure a less difficult lift in the semi finals.

And now to the kitchen where our commentator is reporting on the Synchronised Eating.

“Startling results here. Team GB may just pip the Americans at the post. So far no peas have been dropped on the floor and no soup or gravy has been spilled down the patients clean clothes. The Americans are in front but some beefburger bap crumbs have just dropped onto the clean tablecloth and it looks like the Coke has been shaken too much and will explode when the top is loosened.

Team GB have gone for the sausage, mash, peas and gravy and it looked like the wrong choice earlier when gravy dripped off some sausage but a team member dived in and diverted the gravy onto a napkin.

And there goes the Coke, all over the place. Looks like Team GB have the Gold for this one because they went for the tea in a lidded beaker.

Back to you at the Gettingupathon.”

This is the last event in the Gettingupathon. The main objective is to run downstairs, put the kettle on, open the curtains and put two slices of bread in the toaster in 14.2 seconds which is the World Record.

It looks like the GB contestant is edging forward in this last event and has reached the bottom step. The Japanese contestant is under investigation for sliding down the bannister and the Swiss has tripped over a child’s toy left on the stairs.

It’s another Gold for the GB carer as the American cannot get the tag off the bread bag.

Tomorrow’s visit to the Carer Olympics will include:-

The Semi finals of the Wet Incontinence Pad Lifting,
The finals of the Insult Hurling at the Social Services Stadium,
The 500mtr Traffic Dodging as the contestants try to get to the Chemist before it closes,
The finals of the Wheelchairs Through Revolving Supermarket doors and,
The Second Round of the race to find a Usable Disabled Toilet.


One Response to Carers Olympics

  1. janet says:

    This is excellent whens the next installment ?

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