Seaside observations - eating out

[Grommit]

I am unable to understand how much the English interpretation of the word Sandwich has altered over the years.

At one time a sandwich consisted of 2 slices of bread (usually Mothers Pride), with traces of butter or, if in a cafe, Stork margarine, and a piece of meat or cheese with a bit of lettuce, if in season, in between the bread. Cut in half, diagonally if at parties, slapped on a plate and Bob’s your Uncle.

As far as I am concerned this sort of sandwich is what I have always known as a sandwich so why am still surprised when the sandwiches I order at cafes come in so many styles?

First thing I am asked to do is nominate the type of bread I want as there are at 16 different types. Brown, white, seeded, cobs, ciabatti, French sticks, baguettes and so on. Does no one have white sliced bread anymore?

The difficulty I have is that Jean needs her sandwiches cutting in finger sized portions. “That’s not a problem sir. We have knives.” Has any one ever come across a Cafe knife that will cut hot butter or melted ice cream? I never have and finish up hacking away at the crust of a slice of bread which has the consistency of rubber and refuses to part even if you hold it in two hands and pull. This happens especially on baguettes and other foreign brands of bread which the cafe owners are imposing on the general public.

Talking of knives, on our way to Littlehampton last week, we stopped for a short rest break at a Motorway Service Station and I decided to get a couple of hamburgers and chips with 2 boiling hot coffees, which is what I asked the counter assistant for. This was met with a totally blank stare. “Does Sir want a Cheese burger with fries? We don’t do hamburgers without cheese on top.”

I had to settle for that. “Can I have a knife to cut one of them up”? Another blank stare. Then I made a mistake and said, “I am allowed knives now after the counselling.” The assistant took 2 steps backwards with a look of complete worry on his face and edged away to consult another higher authority behind the counter.

Needless to say, I did not get a knife but I did have the satisfaction of seeing, out of the corner of my eye, both of them watching me anxiously.

So what of the sandwich filling. Again the choices are enormous, even outlandish in some cafes. I try to keep it simple and try ham and cheese expecting a piece of ham and a thin slice of cheddar or even a slice of processed cheese. What I tend to get is a see through piece of ham and grated cheese. As soon as I pick up the sandwich, it opens at each end and three quarters of the cheese sprinkles out over the table and on to the floor.

We tried one cafe that was selling All Day Breakfast Sandwiches. How ridiculous trying to get 2 fried eggs, a slice of bacon and 2 sausages and mushrooms in between 2 slices of baguette at least 6” long. Consequently the thing was so big that a fully grown, yawning Hippo could not have fitted in its mouth and, as soon as it was picked up, everything fell out in a big, splodgy mess on the clean tablecloth.

Another cafe, I asked for a couple of paninis (baguettes with fillings which have been squashed under 5 building bricks placed on top of a Lean, Fat Grilling Machine). At last a flat sandwich which can be easily consumed but why is it served with half an allotment of lettuce, cucumber, strange stringy leaves, 2 cherry tomatoes, 6 pieces of dubious looking red pepper and a handful of damp crisps?

I don’t have a great deal of difficulty in coming to terms with new information technology but do have problems in trying to decipher from written cafe menus what I would like to eat and trying to guess what the cafe owner has in mind transforming seemingly simple food into something that they think I want to eat.

[annie]

do877 do877

[Rosalind]

Very true do877 do877

[wendy]

Are you still on holiday?
If so have a cup of tea and wait for them to ask what sort you would like. do877

[pamella]

really enjoyed your letter Derek

all the best
Pamella

[JaneJ]

I enjoyed that Derek. You have a wonderful way with words x

[wendy]

Derek has agreed to the post being made public.
tha22222