Don't know what to do

[debzsanderson]

I have spent the last week or so trying to sort out all the things that my counselling has bought up. I have tried to explain to marks sister that spending Christmas without family coming is something I don't want to do again . I got the reply I knew I would get that she has a family and it's difficult to get over ( she lives four miles away!). Their mum is going to France as usual so it looks as though it will be a sad Christmas again. I also discussed the lack of support when I get let down from the agency and she said that it's difficult for her to help and their mum doesn't want to get involved with caring. Karen has all her paid holidays and last week she got her flights paid for so she could go over to their mums house in France. So basically nothing is going to change except Mark is getting worse and even the carers are struggling so I have to take over from them.

debz xx

[wendy]

Dear Debs,
I am afraid I am useless what to suggest.
ki12

[Rosalind]

Sorry to hear family will not help you with caring for Mark, like Wendy there is not much I can do to help. I do wish we all lived closer to each other, so we could help each other when needed.  hu****

[maureenho]

Dear Debz, there is no answer to that, it's another case of people forgetting a very ill person and their carer still need help 365 days a year, in my book those sort of people are the most selfish of all, they forget one day they may need help.

Unfortunately I gave up on Christmas many years ago through lack of help and the day is no different from any other day of the year when you are caring, it is no different for the cared for either, for that it means nothing to me anymore because of the situation I was going through for many years.

gpr gpr gpr gpr

[annie]

Like the others have said Debz, I don't have an answer, but know I am thinking of you.
xxxx hu****  hu****

[sandy4]

If care workers are struggling then they should have reported this in the aim of getting more help in the form of anything needed to care.  When Kathleen needed more S S and or O T provided a mobile lifting frame and more, I do know that differing areas are not so accommodating as are Lancashire County Council are in care provision more is the pity and during my time as a carer and ex carer things have not looked to improve despite huge salaries to those like certain charities who are said to be helping. 

I do feel for you and simmer in frustration. 

gpr

[debzsanderson]

Thank you all for your replies. I know you can't physically help but I just needed to express my feelings with people who understand.  Sandy we have ceiling hoists and two carers but it just seems that nothing is going to help now. Mark is totally paralysed from the ms and has little sight. I am used to hoisting  on my own when no carers are here but it is frustrating when I lose any free time due to carers not feeling happy or able to help.

[JaneJ]

hu**** gpr hu****

Oh Debz,

i think we all wish we had your s-i-l phone number to give her a piece of our minds. What a disgrace she is. If only we all lived closer you would be fed up of all the support we would give you!

The only thing I can think of is (if you are prepared for it) is to lose your rag and spell it out in no uncertain terms. As for marks mum she should be ashamed of herself. Could you not write to her and explain exactly how things are and leave the ball in her court. At least you get it off your chest.

When I had counselling a while ago I wrote a letter of exactly how I felt because I felt I couldn't change my parents behaviour verbally. It was great to get it all out (bad language and all!) I felt after I wrote it I had no need to send it as that was enough for me and the realisation was that their opinion and behaviours no longer mattered. Carrying all that frustration and hurt was making me ill so by writing everything I took away their power to hurt me anymore. Now if they say something I disagree with or am not happy about I tell them there and then. it was like retraining them on what i expect from them and prepared to take. it has made a huge difference without them even realising  they have been trained!!! Even more satisfying!!

I hope I haven't over stepped a line with what I wrote, it's just I am frustrated and angry for you.

Huge hugs of support Debz

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Sheila-Anne]

Debz, sorry to hear about your family's attitude.  Sadly like the others have said - we can't physically do much to help.  I'm having the same problems with Paul's sister and BIL and my Brother & SIL.  They really don't have a clue, but I think that what Janet has said about writing your feelings down is a very therapeutic thing to do - I often do the same and it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders when I put pen to paper.

Try to be strong and get on to the authorities and tell them you need more help.

Thinking of you, take care

[pamella]

can you have "Christmas "  another time not just 25th December? . we used to have ours after  when the family could all get together,, as we are spread out over the country.

[sandy4]

You need a break, S S should put Mark into a home for a little, you need that to keep functioning. 

[Misspears]

Dear debz I wished I lived closer to you,I hate Christmas,stan always seems to go in the hospital at that time of the year.
Thankfully I don't have that problem with family the  girls are brilliant and so our their husbands.
I don't know how marks family can enjoy Christmas knowing the situation with you and mark.
Thinking of. You both
Love ann x.    hu****